A Walk in the Park
by theBrillianceofNight
Summary: A summation of a mixture of RP, texting conversations under the influence of sugar, and the imaginations of Quicquidlibet and I combined. You have been warned. AU-ish


Warnings: CRACK. AND SUGAR.

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><p>Two teen-aged boys walked through a park, talking. One had goggles and a striped long-sleeved shirt with a vest. He was playing a hand-held game system while his blond companion, clad in black leather, nibbled on a bar of chocolate. A girl jogged past them, overhearing a bit of their conversation before they left her range of hearing. They walked past a man reading a newspaper on a bench, and he looked up momentarily at the sound of their voices before turning back to his reading.<p>

"I HATE HIM!"

The sound echoed through the park before the blond boy's follower turned to him.

"Keep your voice down, Mello."

"BUT I HATE HIM! WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT HIM?"

"He's pretty much insane but with a more reasonable excuse than 'because it's fun'."

"According to you, his excuses are more like 'I've gotten too used to Mello and Matt' and 'I'm an easily bored genius'. So what makes him different?"

"It's like I said. He's got excuses that are slightly better than 'Because it's fun'."

"So he pretty much talks about you and I, quoting us for his insanity, and that's all that makes him different?"

"Yeah, I told you Mello. He's not worth your time," the boy with goggles answered.

"Worth my time? I don't want to spend time with him. I just want to be number one, Matt," Mello retorted.

"Maybe insanity is the secret to success." Matt shrugged. "So maybe you just have to be more insane than him?"

Mello's eyes widened and he grinned slightly as he responded. "Matt, that might be one of your smarter ideas..."

"Yeah, but how can you be more insane than NEAR? You'd have to join the Mafia or something..."

"The Mafia? Nah, I don't wanna ruin any chance at being you-know-who by becoming a criminal. Maybe if he needed me to go under cover..."

"Speak of the devil, there he is! ...And who in his own personal heck is with him?"

"I don't know. Hey! Sheep! Who's that?"

"...And now I know that you know life is weird when the top detective in the world starts imitating the windshield wipers..."

"What is that girl talking about?" Matt asked.

"Who knows. Sounds like she said 'top detective' so she must mean you-know-who, but why would he imitate windshield wipers? That's just weird," Mello said.

Matt shrugged again before calling out, "HEY! YOU! ...Do you have any batteries?"

"Batteries? No," the girl replied.

Mello rolled his eyes. "Really Matt? You can live without your games you know." He turned to the girl. "What was that you were saying about windshield wipers?"

Matt rolled his eyes, mocking Mello. "Really Mello? You can have better tact than that you know."

"...Are you a fan of Misa-Misa too?" the girl asked.

"Tact? Who needs that?" Mello retorted. "And a fan of what? What the heck is a Misa-Misa?"

"_I_ am a Misa-Misa!"

"...The only Misa-Misa," the boy commented offhandedly.

"Light-kun called me Misa-Misa!" the girl cheered.

Matt fished around in his pocket for the cell phone he could feel vibrating.

"Who the heck-"

He quickly texted back a reply.

Mello looked at him. "Who did you just text?"

"...Wasn't that you?"

"No. Why would I text you, you're right next to me." Mello raised an eyebrow in suspicion.

"Matt, Mello, Ryuuzaki," a white-haired boy greeted. "Matt, what's this about 'stop being a creep and just talk to me face to face'?"

"...Oh, so it said Near, not Mello..." Matt murmured, trailing off.

"How did you misread Near as Mello? Idiot."

"...At least I didn't marvel at the fact that blood tastes weird..." Matt muttered.

"That was one time!" Mello defended. The girl made a disgusted face as the white-haired boy, Near, just looked on blankly.

"Do I want to ask?" the first boy asked warily.

"Light-kun, meet Matt, Mello, and Near. They are... friends, is that how you say it?"

"Hey... Ryuuzaki. And yeah, if you consider them your friends, they're your friends," Matt replied, stifling a laugh at L's introduction.

"Ryuuzaki has friends?" 'Misa-Misa' wondered aloud.

Mello and Matt stifled laughs while Near looked on indifferently. L, however, did not seem to be bothered at all and settled for staring at Light.

"What are you looking at me for?" Light asked.

"You are my friend, aren't you Light-kun?" L asked.

"If you consider him your friend, he's your friend," Matt repeated with a grin.

"That and the fact that he hasn't turned to run for the hills too," Mello commented cheekily.

"That would be rather difficult considering that he is currently connected to me," L remarked, lifting his wrist so that the handcuff chain jangled.

"Kinky," Mello commented with a smirk.

"Yeah," Matt added with a laugh. "But can we ask why? We were under the impression you weren't into that stuff."

"Didn't you know?" Misa-Misa asked innocently. "Ryuuzaki accused my Light-kun of being Kira," she ended darkly.

"Woah, there's a lot of anger in those words," Mello commented.

"I would think that would be quite obvious for the intelligent," Near deadpanned.

"Shut up," Mello snapped, glaring at Near.

"He also accused Misa-Misa of being the second Kira," Misa-Misa continued, crossing her arms with a pout.

"You seem pretty unhappy about that," Mello said without thinking.

"Again, I would think that would be apparent," Near remarked.

"Near, are you trying to make Mello mad?" Matt asked, glancing warily at a now-furious Mello. "Because you should really stop before he does something drastic."

"What could he do? He seems incapable, always dwelling over little things."

"Like what?" Misa asked.

"His inferiority to me," Near deadpanned.

"What? I AM NOT!" Mello bellowed.

"...You know, they say a vehement denial is equal to a strong affirmative," L mused.

"WHY ARE YOU SIDING WITH HIM?" Mello shouted, his anger rising.

"I am merely sharing some of my knowledge," L replied.

Nervously, Matt took a step closer to Near to whisper in his ear. "We have a problem. He ate all his chocolate on the way here AND the stash I bring to calm him down in case something like this happens. What should we do?"

Whatever Near had been about to say was obscured by Mello's subsequent roar as he lunged for Near's neck.

"Mello! Stop!" Matt exclaimed, prying him off of Near. "Remember our talk about murder? If you kill Near, you can't be the next L!"

Mello turned his anger toward Matt. "You idiot, you just revealed our BIGGEST SECRET in front of _outsiders_. Now I'm going to murder YOU!"

"You know, if you had not made a fuss about it, the girl and Ryuuzaki's friend would not have been any the wiser," Near said.

"Er, yeah. He's right. Ack! No! Mello, stay back! Help!" Matt stammered, slowly backing away from the murderous blonde.

"I wouldn't be too sure," L remarked. "Light-kun is awfully sharp..." He trailed off as Mello turned to him.

"YOU! This is YOUR fault! YOU were the one who called us out here, thus YOU are responsible!"

"You wanted chocolate, right?" Light interrupted. "Here."

He nonchalantly tossed an unopened bar of chocolate at Mello, who caught it and looked at it as if it were arsenic.

"What did you do to this?" Mello questioned, eyes flickering between Light and the sweets.

"Picked it up at the store and bought it to appease L," Light answered offhandedly.

"You buy him chocolate?" Mello commented with a raised eyebrow, already biting off a piece of the chocolate. "Are you dating him or something?"

"By that logic Mello, we're dating," Matt deadpanned.

"Who would be the female?" L wondered.

"They are both male, Ryuuzaki, and that will not change whether or not they have a relationship with someone of the same gender," Light deadpanned.

"Aww, they're fighting," Mello exclaimed. "How cute," he ended sarcastically.

"He didn't mean it literally," Matt interjected.

"I am aware," Light replied to Matt.

"What does any of this have to do with introductions?" Near asked. "If there is nothing else to be done, I would like to leave."

"Go ahead. We don't want you here anyway," Mello replied with a scowl.

"Play nice, Mello," L reprimanded.

"The same to you and your boyfriend," Mello shot back.

"Ah, but you see, this is playing nice for Light-kun and I," L replied.

"What?" Misa-Misa exclaimed to L. "Light-kun is Misa-Misa's boyfriend, NOT yours!"

"They didn't even try to deny it," Matt muttered to Mello with a a mischievious grin.

"Keep in mind that Ryuuzaki did say that a vehement denial is akin to an extreme affirmation," Near commented.

"Go play in a blender, Sheep," Mello growled.

"Your insults are lacking today."

Matt edged closer to Light. "You wouldn't happen to have any more chocolate, would you? Near's mere presence aggravates Mello, and it doesn't help that Near is _talking_, much less _insulting_ Mello."

"No. That was my last one. Ryuuzaki prefers cake to chocolate," Light replied. "Would cake work to calm him down?"

"No," Matt bluntly stated. "You're no help."

"Stop making such a fuss." Near crinkled his nose before pulling a bar of chocolate out of his pocket and tossing it in Mello's general direction.

Both Mello and Matt turned to look at Near with wide eyes.

"What?" Near asked irritably. "He was set on acting like a child, so why not indulge him as you would a brat?"

"I think the world just ended," Matt stated quietly. "Near not only gave Mello chocolate, but he also showed emotion. It's the apocalypse."

"That is an unnecessary exaggeration." Near replied, once again in his emotionless monotone, but his body showing slight annoyance at the comment.

"...Cake?" L pleaded shamelessly at Light.

Light shrugged and pulled a package out of his pocket, just as Mello finished off the box of chocolates.

"Heh heh heh..."

"Umm, Mello, are you feeling alright?" Matt inquired at Mello's dazed expression.

"Yeah," Mello half-slurred, a small grin gracing his face. "Why d'you ask?"

"You're acting pretty weird..." Matt said slowly.

"I didn't know chocolate could have an alcohol content," Misa exclaimed.

"Is that the box that Near gave to Mello?" Matt asked with increasing horror.

"Yes. It was the only chocolate in stock at the time," Near admitted.

Matt's eyes widened, the horror evident in his eyes. "You _know_ he has a low alcohol tolerance! You were there when he smuggled in that bottle of vodka in August! _And_ we're underage! How did you even _buy_ those chocolates?"

"We live in Wammy House," Near deadpanned. "Forgery isn't a difficult thing, especially if all it takes is a bleach pen and the ID of someone who could be your twin."

"Alright, let me rephrase my question," Matt scowled. "Why would you knowingly buy alcoholic chocolates? Did you _want_ to get him drunk?"

"Relax, Mattie. It's fine," Mello drawled as he carelessly slung his arms over the shoulders of both Matt and Near.

"It seems I forgot to factor in a certain observation from the vodka incident," Near admitted uncomfortably.

"And that would be-?" Misa asked, curiously.

"He flirts with anything and everything that moves," Matt deadpanned, smacking at a wandering hand.

"Unfortunately for Matt and I, when Mello has alcohol we are usually the ones who need to keep an eye on him. As a result, his attentions are mainly focused on us due to our close proximity," Near added, with Matt nodding in agreement.

"...Does Light-kun drink?" L asked innocently.

"When did Ryuuzaki become a... pervert?" Near ruminated with a disturbed expression.

"He's always a pervert," Misa complained, crossing her arms with a pout.

"And for your information Ryuuzaki, I don't drink," Light interjected.

"Not yet," Matt muttered knowingly.

"Ne- you should join me sometime, Light-kun!" Mello exclaimed. "You need to loosen up. Here, let me help y-"

Mello thudded to the ground while a shocked Near and Matt watched.

"Light-kun, was that really necessary?" L whined.

"Yes. Absolutely necessary," Light replied coldly.

"Actually," Matt began, rubbing his neck, "that was probably a good thing..."

"OW! Misa-Misa, why would you do such a thing?" L sulked, rubbing the back of his head.

"That's for you and your pervert friends trying to grope a feel on my boyfriend!" Misa pouted.

"Not your boyfriend," Light muttered.

"Why are you lumping me with them?" Matt exclaimed in indignation. "I'm not perverted!

"Neither am I," Near added. "Mello and apparently Ryuuzaki are the only perverted ones here."

"I don't believe you, pervert!" Misa cried.

"...This SO isn't worth arguing against," Matt muttered.

Mello groaned as he came to. "Fuuuuck... I think I'm going into a sugar-induced hangover..."

"No, Mels. That's an ACTUAL hangover," Matt informed him.

"...I have the strange urge to speak in a Southern accent," L informed Light quite randomly.

"I believe Ryuuzaki had a chocolate or two as well," Light inferred.

"Chocolate is delicious," L announced, thankfully abstaining from using any type of accent but his usual.

"Is it weird for me to be jittery when I haven't had any sugar?" Matt added after a few moments of uncomfortable silence.

"Not you tooooo," Near whined.

"Wait. What. The. FUCK?" Mello shouted. "WHAT THE HELL IS HE ON?" he shrieked, pointing a shaking finger at Near.

"Nothing. It's like I've postulated, sugar travels through the air and is absorbed through the skin and since I am standing right next to you all..." Near explained.

"Sugar does not, unfortunately, actually travel through the air. However, I'd have given you extra points if you had used the word 'osmosis'," L said.

"Osmosis pertains to the flow of water, Ryuuzaki. I believe you are referring to 'diffusion'," Light corrected.

"Aw, they're fighting again!" Mello cooed. "How cute!"

"Mello, why can't you be more toned down?"

"Well, Mattie, I'm very bad at subtlety. I'm either too inconspicuous or as obvious as L's eccentricity."

"Well, we ARE both geniuses, We genii are horrible at being subtle and sensing subtlety."

"...Like Ryuuzaki and Light?"

"Very much so."

"Greaaaaat..." Matt groaned.

"AND THAT IS WHY WE ARE GOING HOME RIGHT NOW!" they heard Misa screech.

"Heh. They all live together. Why am I not surprised?" Mello cackled.

"Cos 'he who laughs first has the dirtiest mind'?" Matt supplied.

"Shut up," Mello snapped. "Shit, sheep is coming this way…" Then he jumped up with inspiration. "Let's go so he has to hitchhike home!" he exclaimed, grabbing Matt's wrist and dragging him along.

Near was left looking around forlornly at the now deserted park.

* * *

><p>AN: I don't even-

...

So Quicquidlibet and I wanted to include some of our craziest chats into an RP, and this was the result.

And I don't know, I just-

Sugar.

It's dangerous, I tell you.


End file.
